Take it with a Starsi!

Preface

Take it with a Starsi! is a piece of Player Created Fiction written by Herko Kerghans as a marketing advertisement. Originally published in the EVE-online forums [1].

Take it with a Starsi!

I was down in Oursulaert waiting for this huge AutoPilot PathFinder recalibration that had set my normal flight routes ballistic. All of a sudden my usual 11 jump route turned into 25, my pod refused to come online… I believe we all went through the same, that particular week was a mess.

Anyway, there was nothing I could do, so I decided to do nothing. Headed to the Moonstruck, accommodated myself at the bar and asked for a bottle of hak'len to kill the hours. The prime stuff from Caldari Prime. I know it’s worth a fortune, but what is Isk good for if not for buying you some prime? There was lots of chatter around… something big going down in Amarr or something, but I was only paying attention to my drink.

By my third bottle and feeling already slightly vertically challenged I saw Him arrive. Covered was His face with a hood, and He had come in a humble Condor and none paid attention to Him, but blurry as my vision was I noticed his powerful aura and immediately felt refreshed and in full alert, and watched him as he strolled towards the bar.

He approached the bartender and spoke, “I beg of thee, serve me the very best the Gallente has to offer, for it is the very best of Gallente I wish to taste”.

And He was served a tall glass of Quafe Ultra, and readily He drank, and finding the concoction unbearable He mightily spit it all over the bar, and bartender, and crowd.

And removing his hood He held His glass high, and with a deep powerful voice He spoke,

“This putrid dung stinketh, and no one can abide it!”

And He said, “Behold the first sign!” and He whispered a word to the glass, and the vile liquid turned into pristine Starsi, pure as a mountain stream.

And He said, “Behold the second sign!”, and from His own glass He filled the glass of each and every man present, and we all drank, and He refilled each glass twice and twice again we drank.

And the Matari among us whispered, their eyes cleaned by the pure Starsi, “Verily the Caldari deserve their Home back, stolen by those treacherous Gallente who chatter about honor while showing none.”

And thrice more He refilled our glasses, and thrice each man drank.

And the Intaki there present murmured, their thoughts refreshed by the pure Starsi, “Truly, the Caldari are like older brothers to us and had the courage to break free of the tyranny of those hypocrite Gallente, who speak so much of freedom but keep Intaki Prime under their boot.”

And yet thrice more He refilled each glass, and thrice again we all drank.

And the Gallente among them saw their own hands were trembling, for they had glimpsed their own true nature and what lay ahead in their path, and murmured, “For the mercy of the most holiest of craps, we have fornicated it. We made a big mistake and we messed with the wrong people; now payback day approaches, and our behind will be thoroughly kicked.”

And He said, “Behold the third sign!”, and He strolled to His Condor, and rode, and left, and we all stood in awe for His humble ship had turned into a mighty Crow.

And the Gallente among them gulped, and trembled, and clenched their buttocks for they could feel the Boot approaching.

I wiped the tears from eyes and asked for a Starsi myself, along with another bottle.

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Ice-cold Starsi. Tastes like revenge!

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